An Illicit Affair
by Eroshiyda
Summary: A difficult yet invaluable lesson must be learned. Just when you have everything figured out, something else comes up. KakaSaku told from Sakura's perspective. First published November 2008.
1. The Dream

_Here I am, standing in a pitch black space, darkness enveloping me. There is a honey colored wooden chair in the distance before me with a spotlight over it. Where the light comes from, I can't discern. I slowly approach the point where the circle of light hits the floor and the chair stands in its center._

_In the chair sits a man, a man I know. He is sitting in the chair with his hands tied behind his back, and, instead of the usual navy Konoha hitai-ite, a black blindfold around his eyes, hiding their endless mystery from me._

_His navy blue shirt is shredded to pieces, exposing his bare chest, gleaming in the spotlight. His navy cargo pants are bunched down around his ankles in a crumpled pile over his feet. I can see only his pale thighs and narrow shins. His nearly transparent white boxers delicately clothe his midsection, all but revealing his man parts._

_Despite this, his head is not hanging down in shame, as most would in this kind of situation; nor is he sitting with his chin up, expectantly waiting for someone to arrive and rescue him. Instead, he sits facing straight forward, perfectly silent, as if it were the most normal position for him in which to be._

_I kneel before him, as a mere mortal would before a solemn god, or a sacred statue. His gaze is fixed past me, as if he sees through the blindfold and is peering beyond the blackness into a distant world transcending myself and him. I look up at him with such reverence and admiration, such lust and desire. I can't help but find his stoicism intriguing. He seems an untouchable being, yet here he is, vulnerably bound to a chair with no way of knowing who I am or what my intentions are._

_I reluctantly reach out my hand to touch his thigh, trembling as my fingers are, because I don't want him to recoil in fear. To my pleasant surprise, the tension in his leg instantly relaxes as he lets out the softest of sighs. I resume stroking him gently with my fingertips, and his body shifts slightly in the chair. He says nothing, but his breathing becomes more rhythmic, like the dreamy sound of ocean waves splashing against the cove._

_My hands wander closer and closer to the region where I can feel heat radiating from his boxers. The pulse in my fingertips quickens, and I can taste my heartbeat in my throat. I have wanted to do this to him for so long… Now he can not physically stop me from it, although he could say something against it, in which case I would cease immediately._

_He sits, still silent, this time cautiously turning his head left and right, as if he were making sure that no one is watching us. I open his boxers and fondle his flaccid member. He shivers in response, but still doesn't say or do nothing indicating that he wants me to stop. So I continued._

_Taking his flesh in my hand, I lean toward him and put it in my mouth. A sharp and anxious inhale, a slow and relieved exhale escapes his lips as I orally worship him. I feel him growing as I swirl my tongue around his manhood. He instinctually rocks his hips back and forth and contentedly moans as I hungrily suck his deliciously hardened cock._

_My hand falls from where I was caressing his thigh and my fingers find their way inside of my hot, wet, swollen woman parts. The sound of his breath, the movement of his pelvis, the fact that he was bound and succumbing to my administrations, and the fact that he was my sensei all add to my heightened sense of pleasure. It is communion with the divine. I feel as though I have mortalized a god._


	2. The Interpreter

I wake up. What a strange dream. I wonder what I ate or drank last night which could have prompted that… Shaking my head, I sit up, turn over, and reach for the picture on my nightstand. Team Seven. It's such a cute picture, but sometimes I can't stand to look at it. It makes me think of horrible times, crazy missions, and Sasuke…

Every once in a while, for some strange reason or another, I get a funny feeling in my tummy when I see it – kind of like butterflies, but not really. It actually makes me want to vomit. The expression on Kakashi's face in the picture seems to say, "What the hell did I get myself into? I just hope that they don't act like this for the rest of their lives…" It at once embarrasses and tickles me in a way I could never explain.

I roll out of bed and make myself a cup of green tea for breakfast. I sit and think while I drink it; this dream is bothering me. I consider myself a reasonable, intelligent person, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't have thoughts like that about him in my conscious moments, too. I have long wondered what it would be like to touch him in a loving way rather than a strictly life-saving or pseudo-combative way, or to kiss him, to hold him, to love him. I suppose it's inevitable when I think about how often we're around each other and how much time I've spent with him for the past six years. I try not to let such thoughts plague my mind, but every once in a while, they just pop up.

Maybe I should go and see a dream interpreter. That way, she can tell me that everything's fine and that I shouldn't worry about it anymore. I grab a sweater and head off aimlessly to go and find one. I see a small hut behind a ramen shop and decide to go and check it out. There is a blue light in the window, indicating that the person who lives there is a psychic and is accepting clients at this time. I cautiously push the door open and search for the voice which calls, "Come in."

I follow the blue light and discover that it's a candle inside of a cobalt candle holder on a wooden table. Behind the candle sits a little gray-haired old lady with her eyes closed and her hands folded on the table. I pause.

"Don't be frightened," she tells me with her raspy, feeble voice. "I see that you are having uncertainties. Come, tell me about your troubles."

My hand fumbles around, looking for the chair. I can't take my eyes off of this woman – she obviously can't see in the literal sense, but somehow I get the feelings that she already knows about me. "I, um…"

"Now, dear," she interrupts me. "Before you begin, I must request that you pay me. It's only courteous," she grins with a toothless smile.

I gulp – of course. I dig into my pocket and pull out some bills, tossing them onto the table and guiding the woman's shaky hands to them.

"Good," she says. "Please, tell me why you have come here."

"Well," I sigh. "I had a dream last night that has been bothering me all morning."

"Dreams…" the old lady murmurs slowly. "Dreams are not meant to be taken literally. Dreams are symbolic. Tell me, pretty girl, what did you dream?"

I clear my throat. "I dreamt that I was standing in a dark room, but there was a light in the middle of it. In the circle of light there was a chair, and in the chair sat a man. He had a black blind fold on, his shirt was exposing his chest, and his pants were… missing, I guess. I knelt before him and I… well, I had… sexual relations with him."

She nods intently, hanging onto every word. "I see…"

I sit quietly, waiting for her to continue. When she doesn't, I prompt her. "Could you tell me what it means?" I ask.

She laughs. "Do you know this man?"

I can feel my face growing hot. "Yes," I answer. "He's… he used to be my sensei."

"That… makes perfect sense," she says, holding up her index finger. "The darkness in your dream, it represents everything which you do not know. The light shines over your sensei, meaning that he always has the answers to your questions. Light is truth. He always tells you the truth, doesn't he?"

"Wow," I breathe. "That's absolutely right."

"You obviously have much respect for this person. That is why you knelt before him. And when he is bind folded…" she coughs. "Well, my dear… that means that there is something which iyou/i are not telling ihim/i."

I wince. "But… what could I possibly have to say to him that I haven't already told him?"

She shakes her head at me. "That is for you to discern. Have you told him how much you appreciate everything he's done for you?"

I think about it. No, no I haven't… But I'm not going to tell her that. I'll just wait for her to continue.

"Or maybe you want something else from him… a question, perhaps, that you have never asked him and desperately want to? Sexual acts in a dream symbolize unleashed creativity, or it could mean that you actually want to have relations with this person…"

"I – I think it's the first one," I stammer. I want this awkward conversation to end RIGHT NOW.

"I see," she states, taking her hands off of the table and nodding. "Is there anything else I can help you with, young lady?"

"Well…" I hesitate. "Just to make sure I get this straight; if I tell him what I need to tell him, will the dream go away?"

She smiles. "It should," she answers. "Unless the problem hasn't been resolved. Once the problem has been resolved, the dream will disappear."

I thank her and walk back into the outside world. As I pass by the market, I notice a tuft of fluffy, silver hair above the crowd approaching me. I spin right around and start to walk in the opposite direction – come on, seriously? Any time to run into Kakashi would be better than now.

And just as I make it out of the crowd, I hear his low, steady voice say, "Yo."


	3. The Confrontation

"Kakashi!" I say with a forced smile. "What are you doing here?"

He shrugs, looking back at all of the busy people in the market. "A man's got to eat, you know."

There is no way that I can talk to him right now in any reasonable sense – not with my mind still on the dream I just had. "Right… well, I'll just be on my way, then." I turn around to walk away, but he grabs my arm, stopping me in my tracks.

"Hold on," he says. I give him a cheesy grin as he carefully studies my face. "What's wrong?" he asks.

Damn him and his intuition! I can't hide anything from him. I know this. But that doesn't stop me from trying. "Uh… nothing?" I say, unsure.

His visible eye narrows at me in concern. "Are you sure that we don't need to talk?"

I gulp. I wish he would let go of my arm, or at least stop staring at me… it's making me nervous. "Y-yeah," I stammer.

He cocks an eyebrow. "'Yeah' what? 'Yeah' you're sure? Or 'yeah' we should talk?"

I sigh. I've already lost this one.

"Seriously, Sakura," he says, putting his hands on my shoulder. "You don't look so well. What's on your mind?"

Although I realize that I can trust him with my thoughts, it doesn't make the situation any less awkward. He's always been the person I turn to when I have questions, comments, or concerns about anything – but ithis/i? This is something entirely different altogether. I want to tell him, but how? Perhaps I should ease my way into this. "Kakashi… can we go somewhere more… private?"

"Sure," he replies. "Whatever you think is best."

As we walk in silence, the tension between us grows thicker. I swear, I could cut it with a knife. The thoughts are racing through my mind... I shake my head and hope that the perverse thoughts fall out of my ears. I'm not going to tell him about the dream – oh, no. That would be really, really stupid of me. But then, what should I tell him?

"If you don't mind," Kakashi says quietly. "I'd like to make this quick. I have lots of reports due today that I haven't even started yet, and –"

"Well, whose fault is that?" I laugh, interrupting him.

"I know," he sighs with a smirk.

I look up at the sky, unsure of what to say. "Um, Kakashi?"

"Hm?"

I pause to look him in the eye, desperately trying to prove to myself that I am not a coward. I am an adult now, and I should speak to him like one. "I know that I can be… difficult at times, to say the very least. You're very patient with me, and I'm used to people always telling me to 'shut up,' 'act like a lady,' and 'just go with the flow like everyone else.'"

"Well," he says thoughtfully. "I try to do the opposite of that. I believe that's what my students need to succeed."

"Exactly! And I love that about you, because I think the same way. You're very encouraging. I have a lot of respect for you, and I… I'm just so appreciative to have you as my sensei for all of these years."

"Thanks," he mumbles, scratching the back of his head anxiously. "It's… nice to know these kinds of things."

"You're welcome," I smile sheepishly. The butterflies are coming back; I'd better end this. "Well… I think that's all I wanted to tell you."

"Oh? Well, I appreciate you telling me these things. Good to know," he repeated.

"Yeah…" I say wistfully, trying so hard not to stare at him. I didn't realize how attractive he is until just now…

"I have to go now," he tells me. "But I'll see you tomorrow, yes?"

"Yes," I affirm. "See you later!"

I run off, growing more and more dizzy with each breath I take. I'm so glad that's over with… now I just have to make it home.


	4. The Rumor

The moment I reach my doorstep, I hear a bright, feminine voice call my name. "Sakura!"

I turn to see Ino. "Hey," I say tiredly. "What's up?"

"Someone asked me about you," she replies, looking at me intently.

"Really?" I'm shocked. How often is it that people care about little old me?

"Yeah," she confirms. "Someone asked me if you're dating your sensei."

Wait, what?! "C-come again?" I stammer.

"Someone. Asked me. If you. Were dating. Kakashi," she spells it out for me, lulling and using hand gestures as if I'm slow.

I can feel my heart sink as I miserably cover my face with my hand. Why now? I scour my brain for something I might have done wrong. Nothing comes up. I always act the same way towards Kakashi, no matter how hard I have to fight myself to keep my hands off of him. "Why would they ask such a thing?" I ask, half to myself and half to Ino.

"You tell me!" she laughed. "Someone said that they saw you and Kakashi walking off to some secluded place earlier today. What's that all about?"

I can feel my face growing pale. "I just… had something to tell him," I answer. Why would that be so suspicious? What, a girl can't talk to her sensei anymore?!

"Oh, yeah?" Ino asks with her arms folded across her large breasts.

"Yeah," I retort confidently. "Why, who asked you?"

"I can't tell you."

"What?!" Oh no, she didn't! _I'm_ the victim here, not whoever is spreading this scandalous rumor.

She shrugs. "I promised him that I wouldn't."

"HA!" You said 'he.' That means it's a guy, and that automatically eliminates fifty percent of the population," I remark, rather proud of myself.

"Actually, two people asked me about it, so it eliminates everyone except two people."

Huh? "Wait… _two_ people asked you?!" What is the meaning of this?!

"Calm down, Forehead!" she tells me, bringing her index finger to her lips in attempt to silence me.

I'm not calming down anytime soon. "You tell those guys that if they have a problem with me that they need to tell me to my face. I can't _stand_ people who talk about me behind my back." I'm seething in fury.

"I'll tell them," she says nonchalantly. "Only if you're telling me the truth. You'd better tell me!" She has "that look" on her face.

My jaw drops, stunned. "But I… haven't done anything…"

She scans me suspiciously with her elevator eyes. "If you're sure, then. See you around." Then she turns and walks away.

Great. Now my best friend thinks I'm having an affair with my sensei… beautiful. It wouldn't bother me so much if it was true, but the fact that it's a salacious lie gets me worrying. How many other people know about this rumor? My mind begins to race once again – this time of the horrible things people could now potentially be thinking of me at this very moment. I may not seem like it on the surface, but I am a very self-conscious person when it comes to how people view me. I just don't want anyone to get the wrong idea.

Not only that, but the guilt is coming back. I feel as though the dream I had has been made known to everyone, that they can see right through me. But I only just _realized_ that I'm attracted to him – it's not fair! I could only imagine what would happen if someone were to tell…

"Kakashi!" I gasp. I sprint over to his house, where I know he's working on his reports. I knock on his door and rub my hands together impatiently. I want to be the first one to tell him, because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if someone else got to him first and ruined the perfect relationship he and I currently have. "Come on," I whisper to myself. "Open the door… I need you now more than ever before..."


	5. The Advice

Kakashi opens the door, looking surprised at first, and then softening his eyes. "I knew you'd come," he smiles at me.

"Kakashi, I have something to tell you."

"Of course. Go ahead," he says courteously.

I suck in a long, silent breath. "I'm sorry, I normally wouldn't be like this, especially since I know that you're busy working right now, but I heard something today that deeply disturbed me, and I really need to talk to you about it."

He nods, silently encouraging me to continue.

"Well…" I start. Shit, what was I going to say again? Oh, yeah. "People think that you and I are dating," I blurt.

"Oh," he says slowly, as if to say "Oh, no," or "Uh-oh." He looks at me with a twinkle in his eye, almost like he wants to laugh but is holding himself back. Why? What is he thinking? Do I look happy about this or something?

"I've never been in this situation before," I state hopelessly.

"Neither have I," he admits. He still looks like he wants to smile, but this isn't a funny situation. He must know something that I don't.

"I just want to know what I should do, if anything," I explain.

"Well," he sighs. "Sometimes, there's nothing that you can do. People will make inferences and judge others… and it might stem from jealousy, you know?"

"No, I don't know," I reply. "Why would people be jealous of me? I'm nothing special."

"But you are," he tells me. "You're selfless, focused, determined, and talented. People will say things to distract you and bring you down. But you shouldn't let them. You're better than that."

I'm absolutely flattered. "You… you really think so?" I blush.

"Sure," he says. "Even now, as you stand before me and tell me your deepest fears and concerns, it shows a lot about your character. I've also shared your appreciations with you; I've been with you through the good times and the bad. It really means a lot to me…"

Then he stops, mid-sentence, as if he's getting all choked up. Oh, no! This isn't what I meant to happen. "Kakashi," I whisper.

"Sakura," he breathes. I've never heard him say my name quite like that before. There's an earnest sincerity in his voice, as if he's confessing something important to me. "I know that I'm not the best sensei in the world, or even in Konoha. But when I see you succeed in ways I never thought imaginable, I have to stand back and admire you for it. You really do inspire me to become a better leader, and a better person."

"You do the same for me, you know." Oh, now I'm getting all choked up, too! Damn it… I can feel my knees growing weak, and my hands are trembling.

Kakashi takes my hands in his. They're so warm… "Relationships are based on trust. I trust you, and I certainly hope that you trust me."

"I know, but… it's all of those other people out there that I don't trust. I mean, how many people know about it? Ino told me that several – not one, but several – people asked her if you and I were dating. I'm just afraid that –"

"Nothing good ever comes from rumors," he says calmly. "And, most are not worth worrying about. If I were you, I wouldn't take it…" his voice falters. "Just don't let it distract you."

I know he was going to say, "I wouldn't take it personally," but the fact that he corrected himself concerns me even more. He always knows what to say, what to do, and how to handle things. It appears that, for once, Kakashi Hatake is baffled. "Thanks," I say sadly. "I really do trust you…"

He wraps his comforting arms around me and hugs me close to him. I bury my face in his clean vest, which has a faint smell of spicy herbs and cool water. He places a chaste kiss on my head, and I look up at him. That stupid, stupid mask is covering his face, hiding him from me as always. If he really trusted me, he would…

"Kakashi?"

"Hm?"

"You said you trust me…"

"Of course I do."

"Do you trust me enough to let me see your face?"

He pauses, and then unceremoniously pulls the mask which covers his nose, mouth, and chin down around his neck. "Better?" he asks me.

I sit there, absolutely shocked. His face looks so… normal. He really is handsome, but I don't know if it's because of the suspense of not being able to see him for six years or if it's because of his personality… or if it's a mixture of both, or if it's neither, and he's just… beautiful… "Yes…" I nod.

And then he smiles at me. This is the first time I have ever beheld his smile in its raw, naked form and wow, is it ever amazing! He has… lips, and teeth… He doesn't look so frightening, or stern, or soldier-like, or however former ANBU members are supposed to look. I don't see a soldier, or a sensei, or even a man. I just see… him. He's _humanized_.


	6. The Realization

I reach out to touch his face, and his hand meets mine to stop it. "What's the matter?" he asks coyly as our fingers intertwine. "You don't think I'm real?"

"It's not that…" I say, unsure. I actually don't know what it is.

"Do you trust me enough?" he whispers in my ear.

"For what?" I whisper back.

"For this," he says, leaning towards me.

I close my eyes and allow his lips to cover mine. I half expected him to feel cold, like his demeanor most of the time. But he feels so warm and inviting. His tongue beckons me to indulge, and I can't say no even if I wanted to. I grasp a handful of his soft, fluffy hair and go right on kissing him, despite how wrong it is. The way he caresses my face, holds me close to him, and massages my tongue with his makes me go crazy. Is this even real? Am I actually here right now?

He murmurs my name, "Sakura," between breaths as he continues to smash his talented lips against mine. A sharp, tingling sensation washes over me, both inside and out. Kissing him feels better than I had ever imagined, even in my dream. It's as though all of the trust and desire between us has been amplified and transformed into this electrifying energy and materialized into the kiss.

I know that we should stop. I know that it's inappropriate. But by whose standards? Kakashi and I are two adults, both sound of mind and we have _needs_, damn it. I have needs, and so does he. It took me a while to realize it, but… we're just people. Fuck the student-teacher label/stigma/taboo/expectations. Screw everything. He is the only person I've ever loved, in the mature sense. I love him for his mind, for his virtues, for his quirky little idiosyncrasies that everyone else simply groans and shakes their head at. I appreciate him for who he is and wouldn't want him to change for the world.

Everything I am today is because of Kakashi. He was my first instructor, the one who guided me and protected me in my darkest hour, even when I had no idea who I was or what I was doing. I owe him my utmost respect, indeed my life. He has saved me from the enemy's clutches hundreds upon hundreds of times. He doesn't take anything willingly, because he is a selfless, honorable person; and I firmly believe that he deserves every bit of myself that I'm offering to him at this moment.

So, as he sighs and moans against my lips, I give him all of the love, respect, admiration, and desire that I have held back from him for so long with this excruciatingly delicious kiss. He's definitely earned it.

"Kakashi," I breathe, still kissing him. "You taste so… good…"

"Mhm," he hums, nodding. "Same for you, Sweetheart."

Something about the way he says my name and calls me "sweetheart" sends me over the edge. I want to hear him call me other names, and I want for him to use other body parts to show me how he feels about me. I tug at his shirt, prompting him to remove it, exposing his defined chest and ripped abdominal muscles. He is thin, but not scarily thin, and his body is very masculine and balanced in its form. I'm completely ready for him to sweep me off of my feet and whisk me away; but in the figurative sense, rather than the literal actions he's done for me so many times before.

He takes me in his arms and lay me down on his bed, still lavishly attending to my body with his mouth and hands. Words will never express what is being communicated between me and him right now, and so we do the only thing there is left for us to do: show each other by physically doing what we could never possibly hope to say with our words alone. I know that he is a lonely person, because I too am lonely. I know that he craves a woman's touch just as much as I long for a man beside me at night, because it's only human to do so.

This whole time – for the six years I've known him – I hadn't stopped once to think about the sacrifices he's made for me, or the fact that he's just a person… like the rest of us. I had always considered him to be some kind of superhuman, a type of stoic, non-feeling being who relied only on his morals and never thought about anything "base," like sex. But now, as he strips the clothes from his body and prepares to enter me, I know that he does indeed think about it.


	7. The Question

The sun is shining brightly through the window. It's a brand new day. I'm lying in bed, barely waking up. Oh, joy: I just had a dream within a dream! Well, that wasn't so bad. At least I don't have to explain such an awkward situation to everyone in Konoha – you know, about how I had a crazy sex dream about my ex-sensei and had to talk with him about it to prevent myself from having a fucking panic attack, only to realize that people were talking about me behind my back anyway and so I went to Kakashi for advice because he's so awesome and ended up having sex with him for six hours – because it never happened!

I should probably just forget about the dream and get dressed, shouldn't I? I turn around to find my clothes and realize that I'm not in my own room. Then where the hell am I? I look on the bed to find my clothes neatly piled on the bed, folded nicely… wait a second. I would never do that! Who the –?

"Breakfast is served," Kakashi announces, entering the room clad in absolutely nothing but his boxers and carrying two bowls of miso soup. I am SO not used to looking at him like that. This entire situation is suddenly becoming too real, even for me. "Here," he says, handing me a bowl.

I reluctantly take it from him and ponder something. If I'm awake now, then I'm actually here, and if I'm here, that means that… "Kakashi, did we have sex last night?"

The bowl in his hands stops before it reaches his lips as he eyes me warily. "You don't remember? As far as I could tell, you weren't drunk –"

"Of course I wasn't drunk, I don't drink!" I snap. Oh god, I feel sick… "I'm sorry, Kakashi. I just had a terrible nightmare, and I'm not sure if I'm still in it or not," I explain, rubbing my sore head.

"Was the sex really that bad?" he asks with a pained wince.

"From what I remember, it was… amazing," I stammer wistfully, remembering how he felt inside of me. His cock fit perfectly, like a missing puzzle piece. And I couldn't have asked for him to be a better lover; his performance was incredible.

"Then what's the problem, Sakura?"

Upon hearing my name, I look up at him. So that's what his matter-of-fact expression looks like behind the mask. Interesting. "You're not going to tell anyone about this, are you?" I ask him.

"Are _you_?"

I become nauseous as the wretched twisting of my stomach swells, the guilt literally growing inside of my body. If the rumors were bad enough about me before I even did anything, I don't even want to think about what would happen if people knew the truth. "Well, I – I don't think it would be wise…" I admit.

"Well, you do whatever you think is best," he assures me, sipping his soup.

I sigh. He still doesn't know that I love him, and that most of what I've done in the past twenty-four hours has been because of that, along with the dream I had about him, which is also unknown to him. I feel like such a horrible person. If only I could admit to him what I've barely been able to cope with myself...

His warm hand rests on my shoulder. "Listen, Baby, don't beat yourself up about this. If you don't ever want to do this again, we don't have to. Just know that I'm ok with whatever happens, and that I'll always be there for you no matter what. It's what I'm here for." And with that, he takes his empty bowl back to the sink to wash it.

I feel frozen, paralyzed. I can't even eat my soup. Why am I denying what I know exists? _You _love him_, you moron. Now get the fuck over yourself and your pride and just _tell him_ already! You already slept with him; what's the point of being ashamed of it?_

Kakashi returns to take my bowl and notices that I still haven't touched it. "Sakura, Sweetheart," he breathes, sitting next to me on the bed. "Do you want me to take you home?"

"Yes," I blurt. "I mean, no. I mean –" I should have known that I wasn't grown up enough to handle a situation like this. I gather together every ounce of courage I can muster at this time, look him straight in the eye, and tell him: "Kakashi, I had a dream about you the other night."

"Ok," he nods.

"It was a sex dream," I clarify.

"Ok." Nothing shocks him.

I'm on a roll, so I might as well tell him the last part. "And I want you to know that I love you."

He pauses, his eyes wide with surprise. "Oh, dear…" he mutters, looking down at the floor. "It's worse than I thought."

My heart stops. I ponder the implications as he sits beside me, just as stiff as I had been moments before. "You don't love me, do you?" I ask him.

"No," he states firmly. "I _do_ love you. And that's what worries me."


	8. The Secret

I slowly turn my head to look at him. What the _hell_ did he just say? "Um, Kakashi… why would _that_ bother you?"

He pauses, shaking his head and closing his eyes. He's probably wishing that he had never said anything at all. "We're adults, Sakura," he states firmly.

I narrow my eyes, trying to comprehend his faulty logic. "So what?" I challenge. "Adults can't fall in love with each other?"

He sighs dejectedly. "It's not that," he mutters.

"Then what?" I ask, throwing my hands up in the air helplessly, only to plop them back into my lap.

He looks up at me with what is best described as a hurt expression. I can practically feel the pain in his eyes as they bore into my soul. That face, the sadness it projects, the tortured man behind it; it's making me want to cry. "I've done this all before," he starts cautiously. Something in his voice begs me to listen, so I obey. "When I was a child, about your age… I've been through the motions, I've made my share of mistakes, and I was hurt. I simply can't let that happen again. Someone with my experience, in my position… it's too dangerous."

I get the feeling that a pang of guilt is hitting him hard for the actions that he and I committed last night. I just didn't know that it affects everyone the same way, regardless of age – until now, of course. "Kakashi," I say tenderly, reaching out to touch his shoulder. He flinches, but eventually allows my hand to rest on his body. "You don't have to worry about me. No one is going to get hurt here. I can handle it."

"Are you sure?" he questions in disbelief.

"Of course. And if you're worried about me telling anyone, well… don't. I promise that I won't tell. I mean, why would I want anyone to know that I'm having relations my ex sensei?"

"I thought they already knew," he says jokingly, referring to the rumors.

I elbow him playfully. "Shut up. Besides, they can think whatever they want. I know the truth, and that's all that matters. It will be our little secret."

"I can't lie, I do like the sound of that," he admits.

I laugh out loud. "And I like the sound of those three little words you mentioned to me earlier," I say coyly.

"Which ones?" he asks me in naïveté. It's astounding how immature he can be for his age.

" 'I love you,' you dork!"

"Oh, right. Well, I suppose I've loved you for a while now…" he says weakly, as if he wants to tell me more but is holding back.

"What do you mean?" I prompt him.

"I've always admired you, even when you were a child. But once you graduated to jounin status, I was finally able to see you in a different light: as my peer. To be completely honest, the thought frightened me – not because you're a frightening person, but because I finally realized… you're a woman. It has been a very long time since I have held a woman in such a high regard as I hold you now, but it seems that the closer I feel to someone, the more I tend to push them away…" he chuckles to himself. "I guess the thought never really occurred to me is all. I didn't know that I loved you until just last night. I actually thought that I could handle something like that _without_ falling in love with you. I was in way over my head…"

I catch his lips in a kiss before he goes any further. "It's ok," I mumble against him in a whisper. "I want this, too."

He lets go of his troublesome thoughts long enough to enjoy kissing me for a few minutes, then he lies back on the bed and thinks aloud, "We're just two adults who are in a mutual, sexual relationship, right?"

"Yes," I confirm.

"There's nothing wrong with that, right?"

"Nope. Just like there's nothing wrong with us loving each other."

"Well," he decides, ruffling my hair as I lie next to him. "I guess that solves it, then. Love is love, but sex is something else altogether. You're still not going to tell anyone, are you?"

He's still thinking about that? "Haha, no," I smile at him.

"Ok, good."

I sigh. What am I going to do with him?


	9. The Guilt

As I walk home, my brain slowly becomes numb with overwhelming thoughts. I really don't mind keeping our relationship a secret, although it may be difficult. Will I feel guilty for it? Of course I will. Do I wish that Kakashi and I could go public without being ostracized for it? Of course I do. But we all make sacrifices, and this is mine. I indulge myself in this illicit affair, and I will pay the price for it.

People wouldn't understand, anyway – I'm too young, he's in a volatile position, we used to be teacher and student, etc. The village would most likely be horrified to hear of such news. Then Kakashi and I would be outcasts, or at least something close to it. Why ruin a good thing?

The only solace I find is in knowing the fact that he loves me. _He loves me._ He says that it's been that way for years, but do I believe him? I have no choice but to. Kakashi isn't one to tell me a lie, and even if he was, I would still believe him because this is all so forbidden. He never breaks the rules… at least, not for anyone he doesn't love, respect, admire, and/or profoundly care about – all of which he says apply to me.

It could be that he really, truly, genuinely loves me. Love is based on trust, as all other relationships are, and he tells me that he trusts me. Then again, it could all just be a ploy to get sex from me; but if that was the case, then it either would have happened sooner, or else his actions wouldn't be consistent with his words. He said that I could get out of this whenever I wanted to, and he would treat me just the same as he always did before.

And where does this whole shenanigan leave us? I thought that I was perfectly content with the relationship we had before… but this, this is divine. It happened better than I dreamed of. In my dream it was just sex, but this is actual love. Real, substantial, unconditional love. But what does that make us? Lovers? It doesn't sound right to me. Not after six years of being his "student."

Still, I feel so guilty taking these things from him – even the knowledge and experience he bestows upon me. I know it sounds stupid, but I do. Nothing comes free, and Kakashi has spent his entire life dedicated to his profession. For someone like me to come and take everything away from him in one fell swoop seems so _wrong_.

Kakashi is the only man in my life who has made me question everything – including myself – in depths I never dared to delve. Words can not describe the ways in which I have benefited from being his student. Whereas others tell me, "don't question things; just accept them," Kakashi questions everything on a regular basis and constantly warns against the danger of "just accepting things."

So, should I just accept this guilt? Hardly. I'm not one to lie back and just take it. That leaves me with one choice: to question it. Why am I feeling so guilty? Has society finally claimed my thoughts?

I look up at the dismal sky and I wonder… about nothing in particular. I smell the cleansing rain before it falls onto my defiant face, and suddenly I am seething in fury. I scream at it, challenging it to wash my feelings for Kakashi away. It can't, and nothing ever will.

But when the cooling droplets finally reach my burning skin, I realize that the world is a cold and bitter place without him. I don't want to go home just yet; I'd much rather stay in the safety of his arms tonight.

I trudge along back to his place and softly knock on the door. He opens it and frowns. "Sakura, you'll get sick if you keep walking back and forth like that in this rain. Come inside."

Shivering, I go inside and blindly start walking past him, lost in my thoughts.

"Are you ok, Precious?"

I turn around upon hearing the word "Precious" fall from his lips, but my body becomes frozen stiff when I look into his eyes. He takes me in his arms and tenderly kisses my mouth. Its warmth relaxes my whole body, and suddenly I remember to start breathing again. I lightly draw circles on his neck with my fingers as I sink more deeply into his kiss.

"Did you come back for more?" he whispers coarsely in my ear, continuing to kiss me.

I say nothing and just nod my head in agreement. Why else would I have come back? It couldn't possibly be the guilt that's holding me back from facing the world after fucking my ex-sensei's brains out.


End file.
